bigtips

Why can't my friend dump this cheating freeloader?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone Dear Mary,

I have a friend at work. He has been doing a two to three-month "Secret Agent Man" thing with his ne'er-do-well “boyfriend."

This boyfriend moved in with him about two years ago. While my friend is at work, the boyfriend is usually at home. The boyfriend is a waiter, so his hours are bizarre.

My friend has been taperecording his boyfriend's phone calls, reading his e-mail, and even turned their apartment upside down, because he doesn't trust his boyfriend. He found physical evidence (photos of the other adulterer) that his boyfriend is cheating.

The calls he intercepted and the e-mails he read lend credibility to his paranoid thoughts that the boyfriend is just using him for a cheap place to live, giving in to sex from time to time, but otherwise freeloading and tricking on the side.

My friend is totally aware that he is being used. He refuses to confront his boyfriend, and when he does, he feels all guilty afterward. It's not like he was snooping and didn't find anything. He was snooping and hit the mother lode.

I think that the mere fact that he felt the need to snoop on his boyfriend made it obvious that the “relationship” was in the crapper already. The incriminating documents only make the decision to dump the that much more obvious. But my friend, guy Wimp-Man, is so-o-o afraid to be by himself that he'd rather be anyone's doormat than be alone. How sick is this?

He has had other relationships that have followed this same turn of events.

The boyfriend cheats on him, he's aware of it, puts up with it, gets guilt-ridden that he's once again being used, says something about it, and then goes crazy if the other guy suggests leaving, since he's been found out anyway.

My friend has even started to think seriously of asking back a previous boyfriend. This guy, whose relationship with my friend nearly killed them both (physical and mental abuse on both sides, monetary ruination) is just sick enough that he might show up in town at any point.

I have begun to distance myself from my friend. No matter what suggestion anyone (including me) makes to him to resolve his situation, he always decides the opposite. So, why should I bother? This isn't the first time I've been through this pattern with him-it's about the third. Oh, and my friend has a habit of "slaying the messenger" when he gets bad or confirming news about his ersatz boyfriend, from a friend.

He's sought counseling from neutral counselors, and leaves their offices muttering that the professional is a dunce and doesn't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

How long is too long to stand by a friend? How big a jerk is this guy? Is he passiveaggressive, bi-polar, or just the champ of all time when it comes to low self-esteem? Over it in Ossasaugua!

Dear Over Easy,

Hmm. The two issues seem to be why doesn't this guy leave the loser, and how long you can be expected to stand by and watch the circus of disrespect.

You already know why he won't leave. He's afraid of being alone. He probably won't leave until he finds someone new and ostensibly "better" to fill the waiter's shoes. It's sad, and annoying and pathetic, but he's the agent of his own torture. He chose this

guy, and he chose to snoop, and then he chose to do nothing in response to damning evidence.

How long should you be expected to stay? Until you lose so much respect for him that you don't want to be around him any more. You really can't make anything happen around him and the boyfriend.

You can chat your friend up about all the great things he has going for him. Don't bother mentioning the boyfriend: Your friend already knows how you feel, and doesn't seem to be able to use that info. Be as patient with him as you can be. We all make stupid choices sometimes, and sometimes the ugly story just needs to play out.

BIG TIPS

Make sure you let him know, though, that you want the best for him, whatever that is, and be prepared to be kind if this guy dumps his ass.

Which might be the best for all around, eh?

Dear Big Tipper,

For years I worked as a waitress, until I realized that I was capable of much more than serving drunk people more beer. I enrolled in massage school, and have recently graduated. I'm very proud of myself, and have begun to have my own client base, who I treat in my home.

My problem is that all of my friends, and even people I don't really know, think that I will give them free massages. I don't even have the energy to give my girlfriend a backrub at the end of the day!

't

I love the work, but it is exhausting, physically and mentally, and I really can ́ give it away to all these people. I don't know how to explain to them that this is my job, and I need to do it for a living, but I want to hang around when I'm with my friends, not work!

I don't want to be rude, and I know I can make people feel better, and I want my friends to feel good, but I can't do it. What can I do?

My Hands Are Full

Dear They Don't Get the Massage,

Sweets, some people are rude, and you don't have to worry about hurting their feelings. Some people just don't get it, and I'm sure an explanation will adjust their attitudes. This is your job. People, even friends, don't always understand that even though you're working at home, your work is just as serious, and just as much a thing you'd like to leave at the end of the work day.

If your friends really want massages, tellthem that you need to charge them. You might give them a friends' discount. Explain that you just finished school, and you need your work hours to replenish your cupboards.

If they love you, they'll get it. And have them refer their friends (for a full-price treatment, of course).

Another good way to ply your skill to everyone's benefit, and without resentment, is to trade. Trade an hour of bodywork for an hour of tax help, or house cleaning, or holiday card making, or whatever they have or do that is of value to you. It's important for people to know that what you do is of a particular value, and for you to impress that upon yourself.

Hopefully your friends will become your allies in making your new life a success. Good luck!

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216631-1052, or e-mail to martone @drizzle.com.

August 18, 2000 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

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